Even the most well-intentioned co-parents can fall into default patterns where one person ends up carrying more of the mental load. That’s why it’s worth hitting pause and asking: What’s going to work for both of us this year?

Talk about your rhythms and workloads.

• Are we striving for 50/50? Or something else that feels fair based on our work or caregiving responsibilities?

• Are there known high-stress periods where one person’s job will require the other to pick up more at home?

• How do we want to handle those times—pre-plan? Outsource?

Define how tasks will be divided.

Every family does this differently—and that’s fine—as long as it’s intentional. Some couples use the Fair Play method, where each person owns categories top-to-bottom. Others switch off weekly or handle tasks based on skill or availability.

• Do we want to “own” certain categories (e.g. all food, all extracurriculars)?

• Would we prefer to rotate responsibilities like pickups, meals, and bedtime?

• What worked last year? What didn’t?

Create your master lists.

You can’t divide the work if you don’t know what all the work is. Make the invisible visible.

Start by listing:

• What needs to get done daily (lunches, homework help, pick-ups)

• What needs to get done weekly (laundry, groceries, meal planning)

• What shows up monthly (school events, bill payments, appointments)

• What’s coming seasonally (birthdays, holidays, travel)

Jam Tip: Create shared to-do lists in Jam organized by frequency (Daily, Weekly, Monthly). Assign tasks and set reminders so things don’t fall through the cracks.

Choose your tracking system.

The system should work for you—not create more work. If one person is mentally holding the whole calendar and task list, that’s not a system—it’s a burden.

• Where will the calendar live?

• How will tasks get tracked and assigned?

• What tool lets both adults see what’s happening without texting or guessing?

Jam Tip: Jam’s shared calendar, auto-forwarding for school schedules, and color-coded to-do lists make it easy to keep everyone in the loop—without micromanaging.

Make recurring tasks automatic.

Once you've laid out your systems, automate wherever you can.

• Add recurring tasks to your shared to-do lists (e.g., “check folders” every Friday, “stock lunches” every Sunday).

• Revisit your systems once a month to make sure they’re still working.

• Don’t forget one-off seasonal items

Consider what you can outsource.

Sharing the load doesn’t always mean splitting it 50/50—it might mean removing it entirely from your plates.

You don’t need a nanny or personal assistant to lighten the lift. Start small:

• Task-based support (like Tula, Sundays)

• Meal prep or delivery services

• Auto-ship for essentials (pantry, cleaning, pet supplies, vitamins)

• Driving services (like HopSkipDrive) for after-school logistics

Kids can help share in family tasks, which builds responsibility and helps them see themselves as part of the family team. Having a “family meeting” ahead of the school year can help smooth friction and get everyone working together.

Set expectations for mornings, afternoons, and evenings.

Depending on your child’s age, this can range from brushing teeth and getting dressed to making their bed, feeding the dog, or packing their backpack.

For younger kids (nursery, preschool):

• Brush teeth

• Get dressed

• Eat breakfast

For elementary and middle schoolers:

• Make bed

• Take vitamins

• Pack lunch/snack

• Unpack lunchbox and homework

• Tidy up or help with chores

Jam Tip: Use recurring checklists in Jam for each child. You can customize them by day and let kids check off tasks themselves (hello, independence).

Talk about how they can contribute.

Start a conversation about how the family works best when everyone pitches in—not just Mom or Dad.

Ask:

• What are chores and responsibilities they could take on this year?

Discuss:

• How can they be responsible in communicating with you about school needs this year? (I.e. projects, spirit days) so everyone can be prepared?

• When should their tasks/chores be done?

• What system you’ll use so everyone can see what’s going on and what they need to do.

Having kids chip in may mean tasks take longer in the beginning—but the long-term payoff is ultimately less work, more confidence, and better habits for everyone.

For helpful scripts and frameworks around sharing the mental load with your partner, we recommend resources like Fair Play Life, Paige Connell’s Guide to Mental Load Conversations, and Hello Nanny. These are great tools if you're looking to deepen the conversation further in your home.